Journal · On Self-Worth
The Judge
On the companion that devotion quietly builds, the demons that follow a musician into the room, and the forest that never needed a king.
Devotion builds your musicianship, and, quietly, a judge beside it. This is a note about the judge.
When the quest of music goes deep, when you devote yourself to it, a side mechanism may build inside you in parallel to the actual evolution of your musicality. That mechanism is your identification with the musician you are: measuring your own worth through the filter of your musical abilities.
This is a very tricky, very common and often harmful mechanism. And yet it is so hard to avoid. The more you devote yourself, the more you are invested, and the more you are invested, the more you are attached to the outcome. That is just human.
People who never invested deeply, who never gave their everything to something, would never understand this. Often because they try to avoid it in the first place. The fear of failure silently dismantles their dreams. If I do not give everything, I cannot fail, because I never really invested. It is a loop that keeps them in safe waters. Safe, shallow waters.
But for those who give their everything, the self-evaluation mechanism is real, and it is heavy. Giving everything you have and feeling you are not good enough is painful. It is a crack in the contract between us and the reality we were raised to believe in: if you work hard and really, really go for it, you will make it. The sky is the limit. Life will not disappoint you, as I wrote in another note. But when you give everything and it is still not enough, when things do not unfold the way you expected, the feeling of frustration and failure creeps into your cells. You are betrayed by life.
Inspiring musicians around you become your prosecutors. They threaten your right to exist. They become the perfect musicians through the filter of your own failure, through the filter of your broken faith in yourself. You become an impostor. The broken image of yourself becomes a statue of stone.
You arrive at every musical gathering with an entourage. A band of demons in your head, relentlessly whispering how untalented you are, how unworthy you are. Locking your muscles, tightening your breath, stiffening your jaw. Doing everything they can to cage you in your head and prevent you from being absorbed in the present moment. The present moment is their biggest enemy.
If you have ever experienced this, I am here to give you a hug and tell you that you are not alone. These things you are feeling are common, and healing starts with acceptance and compassion for ourselves. Wanting to be seen, wanting to be meaningful, to feel unique and loved, is not a weakness. It is simply part of what it is to be a human.
We often feel that as artists we need to transcend those low emotional needs. That pure art cannot be centered around an ego that needs to feel appreciated. I disagree. Being human does not contradict art. It gives it wings. It makes art resonate with the sympathetic strings at the heart of other humans.
One of the biggest difficulties with self-evaluation in music is that humans seem to have a hard time wholeheartedly accepting diversity. We often need to find a leader. The best musician, the smartest scientist, the real prophet. Imagine for a moment a tree trying to evaluate itself. What measures would it be comparing? Height? Color of flowers? Taste of fruit? Amount of shade? Depth of roots?
When we walk in the forest, we do not seem to need to crown the most beautiful tree. We do not pity smaller trees that are not talented enough to give flowers rather than nuts. We embrace the diversity of beauty, and through that we experience unity. It is a beautiful forest. Not isolated trees, judged by our imaginary metrics. It is liberating.
The best musician does not exist. It is a fictional character, whispered about by gargoyles carved on musicians' granite shoulders through countless hours of practice. A slow forgetting of who you are, and of what really matters.
People attending a concert are not looking for the best musician. They are here to hike a trail surrounded by music. They are here to embrace and connect. Not to crown and crucify. They are here to feel the heart of the musician through his music. They do not know anything about time signatures, about finger rolls. Give them honest presence. Give them your unapologetic voice, and they will embrace it. Just like you embrace beauty everywhere, except within yourself.
The desire to shine, to be the best, is natural. Try to imagine that desire changing its aim: to become the best voice of yourself. The most authentic, most skilled voice of yourself.
Yes, music is a language you need to study. Yes, it asks for your devotion. Yes, it is a serious form of art, not to be stepped on and abused for the sake of idol worship. But do not let your devotion cloud your inner light. Every moment you judge yourself is a screenshot of an ongoing deep process.
You do not know where the river of music is taking you. Try to enjoy the feeling of water touching your skin. Trust the current.
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